Vexation and Vanity

This day started out okay for me, then went downhill quickly from there. Pretty soon I was caught up in a mess of worrying and tears and frustration. My thoughts just raced and my heart pounded and I really only worried more. I was trapped for awhile in that mess, but then I stopped and prayed and prayed and then I listened to an awesome preaching cd and then I read my bible. From then on the day has totally changed for me....and I've learned a lot in the middle of it all.

Worry is just plain old vain selfishness at it's very best. There ya go I've said and you can be mad at me or whatever but I calls 'em as I sees 'em...and at least for the moment, in light of God's word I sees 'em plain as day. Worry is just plain old vain selfishness at it's best. Still don't believe me? Look for yourself.

Do like I did and start reading in Matthew chapter 6 and verse 25. I'm not gonna type it all out for ya today, you can look it up yerself! Worrying is the same thing as not trusting the Lord. I would have done well to have reminded myself of that when the first little pangs of it hit me today but like the idiot that I sometimes am I just followed on down that selfish little road and wound up really sorry for it. Need more convincing?

Read Psalm 39. Yup, ya gotta look it up yerself! All that wasted energy has made me a meany and I looked it up and read it and it did me a world of good so I know it won't hurt you none. All that worrying will not help you one little bit now will it? If you're half as stubborn as I was you still need to read a bit just to get it good and solid in yer head.

Read Ecclesiasties chapter 1 and start in verse 13. Vanity vanity vanity. Hmmm. Now go on and read chapter 2...you know you want to! Vanity vanity vanity.

Now read Psalm 107. At every turn those people felt afflicted, troubled and afraid. They felt there was none to help. They worried and let that worry bind them and drag them down, it seems that they only even bothered to cry out to God at the last minute before they went completely under so to speak. But I didn't see one single time in that passage where God refused to help them when they cried out to Him! He never left them in that mess but He was always faithful to deliver them from their destructions and distresses. WOW!

I sure do feel silly for having worried so this morning! Our Lord is faithful and loving to us even though we are so very undeserving! I pray that I remember how he comforted me today the next time I get so caught up in my own worries and frustrations!

Defraud ye not....

Sorry for taking so long to update...it's been a busy time around here lately and I've neglected my blog. I just HAD to blog today though to give an update and share something that my friend Mindy shared with me this morning that was really a blessing to me.

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First the quick update.....we are officially a bit behind with school :( I hate that it has happened but I guess some things can't be avoided and we will just have to work a bit harder for awhile and get caught back up. We've been so busy and it seems like there is always some unplanned event that requires our attention lately. The kids and I have talked about it and talked to Troy about it and the best solution we can come up with so far is that we start schooling in the evenings on Tuesdays and Thursdays (instead of play music) until we are caught up. The kids didn't even grumble about losing the only evenings all week that we have at home to relax.....but I sure am fighting the temptation to (pray for me).

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Also Jared is now 12!! The time has flown since he was born....it just doesn't seem possible for any of the kids to be the age that they are but all I have to do is take a look at them to know it's true. Jess and Josh are both grown and busy with life. Tae is taller than I am now and just beautiful beyond words and the boys are both growing so fast we can't hardly keep jeans on them. Life goes too fast for me somedays.

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Okay, now on to the most interesting convicting thought for my little blog. My good friend Mindy called bright and early this morning to share with me part of what she has been learning through her pastor's preaching and her personal Bible study. Mindy's pastor has been preaching on "All to Him I owe" and she shared that her and her hubby's hearts were pricked with conviction when their pastor started preaching on giving what is owed in your marriage.

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It says in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 " Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency."

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We women are fairly accustomed to hearing this verse preached to us as we are told to take care of husbands physical needs. But according to what Mindy's pastor preached it means so much more than just that and we are only getting just a teensy portion of the fullness of God's word for our marriages by taking it that way.

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If we look at the definition for the word "defraud" it reads:
"DEFRAUD, v.t. L. To cheat.
1. To deprive of right, either by obtaining something by deception or artifice, or by taking something wrongfully without the knowledge or consent of the owner; to cheat; to cozen; followed by of before the thing taken; as, to defraud; a man of his right.
We have corrupted no man, we have defrauded no man. 2 Cor. 7.
The agent who embezzles public property, defrauds the state.
The man who by deception obtains a price for a commodity above its value, defrauds the purchaser.
2. To withhold wrongfully from another what is due to him. Defraud not the hireling of his wages.
3. To prevent one wrongfully from obtaining what he may justly claim.
A man of fortune who permits his son to consume the season of education in hunting, shooting, or in frequenting horse-races, assemblies, &c., defrauds the community of a benefactor, and bequeaths them a nuissance.
4. To defeat or frustrate wrongfully.
By the duties deserted-by the claims defrauded."

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Mindy explained that her pastor went on to say that couples defraud one another in many many ways *outside* of their bedrooms. When the wife has frittered away the day online been busy with fussy babies all day and dinner isn't done on time she has defrauded her husband of his just claim of having his meal at the appropriate time. The same goes for when you just can't quite make it to the ironing board and you know he needs a clean shirt before tomorrow. Okay, we ladies all know that in life stuff just happens and you don't intentionally defraud your man of his meals....but what about our companionship? Or warm conversation when we've had a long day? Or giving him our full attention at the end of the day so that he can unwind?Do you defraud your man by being too "busy" to sit down and hear what he has to say about his day, his plans, his ideas? What about giving him the respect that is due him even when you know that he doesn't have a clue what he's talking about?? ( there's my struggle lately) Essentially we are defrauding our spouse any time we fail to meet one of their needs, show them the proper respect and/or love them to the best of our abilities .... and the only way to keep that from happening is to give our husbands the best that we have and set aside all of those excuses that we keep so handy.

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But Mindy also told me that the majority of the preaching was to the MEN!! She was telling me that her pastor came down especially hard on them with that particular passage of scripture. She says that according to her pastor we wives should be able to expect to be provided for by our husbands in ways other than the paycheck making it to the bank or the bills being met or however it works in your household. Her pastor's opinion on that passage of scripture is that we too have "just claims" as mentioned in the definition and if you look at the 4th part of the definition it is also defrauding someone to frustrate them wrongly.

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Mindy said that her pastor illustrated it this way......there is a young married police officer who is very very dedicated to his work and has some really high goals set for his career, he wants to do his best at work and so he spends all of his free time in the gym making sure he is as fit as he can be. When the officer isn't at work or at the gym he is on the shooting range firing away to make sure his aim is accurate. This officer volunteers for trainings every time they are offered and even signed on as a reserve officer on another department to take advantage of their training schedule as well. This man spends an average of 2 hours a day at home that is not spent sleeping or eating but during that 2 hours at home he insists that the wife take the children out to play in the yard so that he can study.

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The officers wife is a sweet lady who works hard to raise the children and tries her best to love him and be respectful of how hard he works but is frustrated horribly. She has been trying for weeks to get the car fixed but she doesn't know the fuel injector from the lug nuts and her hubby doesn't have the time.....he has also spent what extra money they had on a new duty weapon and she can't afford to call the mechanic. She can't remember the last time he took her out anywhere or even just sat down to have a conversation with her that didn't involve giving her instructions on something that he wanted done at home while he is gone. They have two of the cutest little kids but she is exhausted from the high energy levels required to take care of the kids, the house, the yard and the family's financial work all by herself. Her friends are frustrated because they are having to go out of their way to give her rides back and forth to the store and appointments frequently and they just don't understand why she puts up with her husband's neglect.

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According to Mindy's pastor this young man is in trouble.....though his career goals are admirable he is defrauding his wife of her just claim to have time with her husband that isn't focused on his career but is instead on his family. The preacher insisted that God could do as much or more with that officer's career if he were to honor what the Bible teaches about his home life than what the young man can do with his career when his wife either gets fed up and leaves him or has a nervous breakdown from the stress of living like a single parent. Mindy said that the preacher also illustrated his points with a racing nut fan in the husbands place but that it all came down to making sure that you are not defrauding your spouse in any way at all and stressed that any hobby, sport, career move etc will not be blessed by God if you have left your right place in the home to tend to your own self interests.

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Mindy says she can't wait to go to church tomorrow night .....the preaching will be on giving what is owed in your church! It sounds very thought provoking and interesting to me....maybe she will send me tapes??? (please please please)

Gambling with Grace

WARNING: I AM ON A RANT TODAY!

Last night's service was really great! Our Pastor preached a message about "What's Wrong with living right?". After the shooting at the Amish school in Pennsylvania there was a man on the CBS evening news in their "free speech" segment whose son had been killed in the shooting at the high school in Columbine. That man used the small amount of time given to him to very efficiently state what the problem with our society is these days....God has been kicked out of our schools and every other public aspect of life in the USA and because of that we are living in a day of continuous moral decline, I believe he called it a moral vacuum. Of course on the CBS news website nearly all the comments posted called that man a "radical right winger" or some such nonsense name that serves only to label someone so the world can hurl stones their way.

What a shame that our society has turned into such a disgraceful mess that anyone who dare to speak the truth is labeled immediately....and why is it that in our politically correct gone awry society it's perfectly okay for all the world to cast stones at someone who chooses to live and speak up for a Holy God and a moral lifestyle yet it is "hateful" to teach our children that marriage is for ONE MAN and ONE WOMAN for the duration of those two lives on this earth?

That same "politically correct" crowd tries to argue that women should leave their children behind for daycare centers to raise so that they can "have it all" with some career.....the truth of that lie is that the "all" that they get is ALL worn out...ALL frustrated....ALL exhausted....ALL disillusioned....and when their husband isn't getting enough of her time or affection or any of the other things that he needs ALL alone with children to provide for and no choice anymore about whether or not to stay home or work. Then that poor woman who wanted it ALL finds out that since the former hubby has moved on to greener pastures she gets ALL of the responsibility for raising ALL of her children ALL by herself.

That some old "politically correct" crowd is telling our young people that premarital sex is "normal" and that as long as they take certain "precautions" it is without consequence. How that lie got sold is so far beyond me it isn't funny. Even without the risk of STDs and pregnancy there are huge consequences to entering into the kinds of relationships that God preserved for marriage. But that PC bunch has so duped our society that now some folks are trying to insist that every female beginning at the AGE OF ELEVEN YEARS OLD be vaccinated to prevent one of the sexually transmitted diseases that also causes cervical cancer.

The world around us just grows more and more wicked, there are multitudes of problems everywhere you turn. Kids can no longer go to school in safety, women dare not walk across a dark parking lot alone and unarmed, HIV infection rates are increasing at an alarming rate, children are being born to children at a rate that is simply astounding yet being a person who has the courage and conviction to speak out publicly for a HOLY GOD and a lifestyle that reflects that belief is worthy of name calling? How sickening.

A young girl in our church was upset last night because she had been told that she couldn't pass out gospel tracts at our local WalMart store. Yet that same store constantly allows some group or the other to stand in the doorways there begging for money nearly everytime I go shopping. The young girl never asked anyone for a dime, she didn't ask for a donation, she simply offered them a tract with the plan of salvation. The world we live in would rather pay for a lie than receive the truth for free.....how sick is that?!

How sad that we live in such a world as this that lacks such things as plain old common sense that would tell anyone who possessed it that sex outside of marriage is just flat out dangerous, that when you make a vow that says "til death do us part" you should really mean it, that your children aren't toys to be put away while you go your own way but the future and that you must train them up. What about the common sense that says God is big enough to create the earth and everything in and you really really really don't want to make Him mad? Do these people really think that God will just let them slide on by with a wink and nod or what? I don't get it, I really don't and I really don't want to try to "get it" anymore.

The saddest thing of all in this is that so many people will continue to refuse that precious gift of salvation that God gave us all so freely through His son Jesus. He gave us all the opportunity to be saved and forgiven for our sins by His grace. All we have to do is believe it and repent. It's so easy that little kids can do it and it's the most freeing thing you'll ever experience to just admit to God that you are a sinner and that you need His forgiveness yet so many people refuse Him. Like our pastor said last night.....time is running out and we all have to decide for ourselves if we will choose Hell or ask God to save us in the only way there is to be saved.

Anyway, I'm done ranting now. I'm back to praying for those I know of who are lost and for the opportunity to reach even more that I don't know yet.....let Wal-Mart kick me out, let folks call me a radical whatever they want to. I guess it's easy for people to keep on gambling with grace when they really don't know what they stand to lose.

Clinging to the cross

Good Morning! In my quiet time this morning I was just thanking the Lord for where He has brought me from and thanking Him for having given me the strength to cling to the cross during those times when I just honestly had no idea what else to do. I am so blessed to have experienced such tremendous grace in my life and I can't help but overflow when I stop to think on it for very long at all. I was such a wicked and horrible person before I got saved....I can't even bear to think of some of the things that I've done in my past it hurts me unbelievably to know that I am responsible for such awful things! There truly couldn't have been a more undeserving person to have received such a precious and wonderful gift as the love of Jesus as I am but He loves me anyway and under grace my guilt is gone!

I stumbled across the picture I've posted this morning and thought I would share it here. I noticed a couple of things in it that just really touched me. First off the woman in the picture is on a higher place than where she started out and she is obviously clinging to the cross but she is perched on that high place in such a way that she won't fall as long as she is holding on. I know that after climbing all the rocky and brush filled crooked paths that I've climbed I'm so thankful that I can know that as long as I hold on to the cross I'm safe and that God gives me the grace to hang on. I also noticed at the bottom of the picture that there is a hand coming up towards the lady.....is she being pursued?...is her past trying to pull her back down?...is she clinging to that cross so fiercely to fight the temptation to turn back to lost loved ones? I know that in my life there is always someone or something trying to persuade me to let go of the cross if only for a moment....but then again, that's all it would take to fall.

Just some of my early morning ramblings I thought I'd share! Have a wonderful and blessed day!

Blessings in the Bible

As we continue through the Bible (though much more slowly than what I had initially planned) I can't help but feel so very very blessed and there are many times during our school days now that the kids and I will just sit and shout with tears in our eyes as we see again and again just how clearly every single word, event and ceremony given in scripture points the way to God's mercy and love for us!

We are in Leviticus now ( I know I know...this is taking so long and we are going slow) and there is just so much to learn and to appreciate about the deep deep love that God shows his people. We got stuck again, as we tend to do when we hit things that we find particularly interesting. It is awesome timing to get stuck though.....we got stuck on the feasts and tomorrow evening begins Rosh Hashanah or the feast of Trumpets. You can read about it and all of the other wonderful feasts given us by the Lord on an awesome website www.biblicalholidays.com

I won't bog anyone down right now with my inability to appropriately explain such a wonderful and full celebration of God's love for His people but we are preparing for our own families observance of this special day. We have a special meal planned and Taeler and I will be baking the challah tomorrow and making sure that our home is nice and clean for our rest and time to feast and pray.

One of the traditions of the holiday is that we search within our selves to make amends for those things done wrong and repent of the sins committed in the past year (Rosh Hashanah is the jewish new year) that begins tonight. Friday evening as the sun sets we will light special candles and give our blessings to one another and pray together as a family to seek God's will for us in the coming year. Then we have a special meal planned that will begin with dipping the challah and apples in honey.....this is a symbol of the sweetness of the year to come. We will be avoiding any sour or bitter foods to help remind us to keep bitterness out of our hearts and minds in the year ahead. There is much much more that we have planned but not in the hectic way of the common celebrations that we see with our culture's Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.

In fact the more that I study the holidays/feasts/fasts given in scripture and see the depth and richness of the way that God planned those things for us the more I feel robbed that I was taught to celebrate in such fleshly and hurried and ugly ways as I was. Troy and I had such a wonderful conversation last night at bedtime about the intimacy that goes missing with the celebrations that we've always known compared to the sweet fellowship and prayerful worship of the biblical holidays. I'm so thankful for all that we are learning and can't wait to study even more!! Please do read more about the biblical holidays.....I'm not saying that you should go out and buy a book necessarily but there is such a richness in learning these things from scripture....I know it has really been a blessing to us.

And since I won't have time to post again......HAVE A SWEET AND BLESSED NEW YEAR!

I'm overflowing again

Mrs. Willie used to tell me way back when I was just a baby Christian that all those tears I cry when I'm just really really enjoying the blessings of the Lord and my fellowship with Him were the "joy unspeakable" and that it actually expands within us (if we'll let it) and overflows by way of tears and shouts. I sure am glad that I got that explained when I was a young Christian or I would have spent all these years thinking that there was something seriously wrong with me....(other than those obvious and glaring abnormal normalities of mine ;-)

The Lord has just been so good to us that I can't help but praise Him and sometimes the joy of it all just washes over me all of a sudden. There is no way to describe it other than to say it feels like being absolutely drenched in love and mercy with a huge infusion of grace!! Even those words just seem too cheap to use but they are sadly all I've got. Today isn't any kind of 'special' day and there isn't anything spectacular or wonderful happening...it's pretty much just a plain old Tuesday... But GOD LOVES ME!!! I guess that just tops it all huh?!!!

I'm just so thrilled to know that someday I'll live with my Lord forever and that NOTHING AND NO ONE can take that from me!! Just now I don't have a single other thing to talk about.....just that I am blessed beyond all measure!!

Anger

Yesterday afternoon and evening I witnessed someone trying as hard as she could to sort out and cope with the consequences of a fit of anger that she had given in to some time ago. This fit of anger has torn apart a family that until now had been able to persevere so much that they thought they could make it through anything together. It's so heartbreaking to see what words spoken rashly in anger can do to relationships.

As I read my devotion this morning I thought I would share it here because it just speaks so plainly that we don't do well when we act in our anger.

“God said to Jonah, Doest thou well to be angry?” Jonah 4:9

Anger is not always or necessarily sinful, but it has such a tendency to run wild that whenever it displays itself, we should be quick to question its character, with this enquiry, “Doest thou well to be angry?” It may be that we can answer, “YES.” Very frequently anger is the madman’s firebrand, but sometimes it is Elijah’s fire from heaven. We do well when we are angry with sin, because of the wrong which it commits against our good and gracious God; or with ourselves because we remain so foolish after so much divine instruction; or with others when the sole cause of anger is the evil which they do. He who is not angry at transgression becomes a partaker in it. Sin is a loathsome and hateful thing, and no renewed heart can patiently endure it. God himself is angry with the wicked every day, and it is written in His Word, “Ye that love the Lord, hate evil.” Far more frequently it is to be feared that our anger is not commendable or even justifiable, and then we must answer, “NO.” Why should we be fretful with children, passionate with servants, and wrathful with companions? Is such anger honourable to our Christian profession, or glorifying to God? Is it not the old evil heart seeking to gain dominion, and should we not resist it with all the might of our newborn nature? Many professors give way to temper as though it were useless to attempt resistance; but let the believer remember that he must be a conqueror in every point, or else he cannot be crowned. If we cannot control our tempers, what has grace done for us? Some one told Mr. Jay that grace was often grafted on a crab-stump. “Yes,” said he, “but the fruit will not be crabs.” We must not make natural infirmity an excuse for sin, but we must fly to the cross and pray the Lord to crucify our tempers, and renew us in gentleness and meekness after His own image.

This devotion came from the morning and evening devotional by Charles H Spurgeon. I get these twice a day on the living waters website but you can also read the entire book and other classic christian literature on www.ccel.org

This just made me take a minute to think that anger, though a natural emotion and often unavoidable can and usually does work against us. In the situation I referred to earlier it has destroyed a family and caused many deep and painful wounds not only for the persons on the receiving end of an angry burst but for the person giving it out. I thought I would share the verses that are going in my devotions notebook with all of you since we all have to deal with anger in our lives and it is always best to know what God's word says about it.

Proverbs 14:17 He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly: and a man of wicked devices is hated.

Proverbs 19:11 The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.

Pr overbs 22:24 Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: 25 Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul.

Ecclesiastes 7:9 Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.

Matthew 5:22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

Colossians 3:8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.

James 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: 20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

I also thought I would share these quotes:

Anger is momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you. -Horace

When I hear of anybody losing his temper, I always pray that he may not find it again. Such tempers are best lost. -Spurgeon

People first abandon reason, and then become obstinate; and the deeper they are in error the more angry they are. -Blair

I don't have any idea how the situation that we are dealing with will work out but I do know that all involved have learned a great deal about anger.

Seeking the Lord in conflict

I've been praying about a situation for a long time now and the Lord has been showing me a lot lately. The blessings that we can receive by just digging in to His word are incredible and sometimes a bit overwhelming....for me this is one of those times. Not overwhelming as in something that is bad... just a lot to absorb and being human as I am the impatient side of me wants to highjack all that the Lord is showing me in scripture so here I am sort of thinking out loud.

Some of you know that for a long time now my family has been dealing with a very painful conflict that presented itself to us in the form of a bitter attack against me and divided our family. My flesh desperately wanted to crawl all over that person and give them a piece of my mind, however with the help of the Lord, and the prayers and support of my family in Christ I was able to respond with a measure of grace that was far from normal for me and keep the situation in prayer. Though the situation hasn't been resolved yet I've had enormous peace about it until recently. Recently it seems as though the entire episode is coming up over and over again and it has been a near constant struggle for me to just continue in prayer until I began to really dig into the scriptures for help. I'm so thankful that every time I've taken this to the altar of the Lord in prayer He has been faithful to give me guidance from the bible!

After conversations over the weekend triggered an uncharacteristically bitter response from me I decided that I had no choice but to really dig deeper into God's word for some specific scriptures that would help resolve all of this once and for all. You see, I have allowed myself to become bitter about the situation and most of the people involved in the conflict. I've been up all night in tears asking the Lord to forgive me for that and show me how He would have me to resolve this mess so that I can just put the whole thing behind me one way or the other....what I've learned is that the answer isn't so simple but if I handle this according to scripture (which by the way addresses every need in such circumstances) not only will I feel better but true resolution that leaves no cause for bitterness will have taken place.

I started by asking the Lord why I've become so bitter about this. I'm not normally a bitter person, and usually I'm quite good at moving past painful episodes and just going on with life. I've struggled a lot since this all began with this thought of "turning the other cheek" you know? I thought that to just be silent and leave the situation alone was imitating Christ in my life.......I've come to realize that to "put on" this kind of behavior unless done freely and without resentment is not a reflection of Jesus in me but instead a pharisee like imitation that can only lead to bitterness and further disobedience to the Lord's will for us. It is just following the letters of what we are told is right rather than living out the intent behind it...ugly huh?

So I found out that faking "meekness" doesn't resolve a conflict but the other "simple" options of giving in or giving up are also inconsistent with God's word. What a blessing to learn that God's word includes the concepts of justice, restitution, and personal accountability. In scripture we are given direction to handle conflict and instead of seeking to follow that I assumed that pretending at something instead would take care of the issue for me. Feigning a 'meek and lowly' attitude doesn't help me to become more Christlike, but in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 we can clearly see that conflict should develop in us the ability to rely on His strength, grace, and power rather than "power through" on our own.
2Corinthians 12:7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. 8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Though this situation is not yet completely resolved I feel like now I have a much firmer understand of how to approach a resolution based on scripture rather than what I "feel like" I should do. I'll share a little of what I've learned and update ya'll later on with the results of real life application. I've learned.......

1- We should see conflict in our lives as an opportunity to practice obedience to the Lord and to bear witness to His goodness in our lives.
- So many times since this all began I've wondered why this has happened....truthfully none of it makes any sense from any practical perspective. Instead of wondering and worrying the matter I believe I should simply not count it as a burden but as a chance to please the Lord and draw attention to His wisdom, power and love for us. In 1 Corinthians we are told to glorify God in all that we do....
1Corinthians 10:31 Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. 32 Give none offence, neither to the Jews, nor to the Gentiles, nor to the church of God: 33 Even as I please all men in all things, not seeking mine own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved.

- The Lord has shown us in scripture that he will use even our conflicts and times of trouble for good. This perspective gives us an opportunity to take a positive and confident response to these times, difficult as they may otherwise be.
Genesis 50:19 And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God? 20 But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

2- We should look at our own part in the conflict first.
- Look not only at what you've done or said, but look deeply at your attitudes and motives. Doing this in a honest fashion and in prayer will reveal our sinful attitudes and habits......it will help us to see what we should change, in order to grow and become more Christlike.
Psalm 32:3 When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long. 4 For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer. Selah. 5 I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the LORD; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah.
Psalm 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: 24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
1John 1:8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

- We can only grow in this way when we look first to our own wrongs rather than stand firmly in our wrongness and point out the errors of others. We must accept responsibility for our own contributions to conflict first or it is impossible to clearly see the truths of the situation.
Matthew 7:4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

3- Look for steps that you can take personally to resolve the conflict.
- Few things in scripture are as clearly stated as the steps we are to follow in resolving conflicts! Each of us is commanded to make the first move when in disagreement with one another. We are to do this even if we don't believe that their anger is justified.
Matthew 5:23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

- Sometimes a resolution can be as simple as serving that person with an act of kindness or mercy.
Proverbs 19:11 The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.

-Sometimes resolving conflict will require loving and constructive confrontation.
Matthew 7:12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.
Galatians 6:1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. 2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

-The Lord's approach was to be merciful even while confronting a harmful attitude or action. Our attitude must be one of obedience to and reliance on God and the aim should be peace with others whether they be believers or unbelievers.
1Peter 2:12 Having your conversation honest among the Gentiles: that, whereas they speak against you as evildoers, they may by your good works, which they may by your good works, which they shall behold, glorify God in the day of visitation.
Romans 12:17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. 18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. 20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. 21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.shall behold, glorify God in the day of visitation.

4- Part of resolving conflict may be to accept consequences and changing some of your own behaviors.
- Ephesians 4:22 That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; 23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; 24 And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. 25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another. 26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 27 Neither give place to the devil. 28 Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. 29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

5- To truly approach the task of resolving personal conflicts in our lives requires commitment.
- We must be committed to restoring damaged relationships with a spirit of forgiveness, open communication and cooperation to clear away the hardness of hearts that is often left by conflict. At times that can become as simple as having the faith to accept that justice belongs to the Lord and not to us, but there are great rewards in answering the conflicts in your life the way that we are taught in scripture rather than what "feels right" or what seems easiest at the time.

Luke 6:27 But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, 28 Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. 29 And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also. 30 Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again. 31 And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. 32 For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them. 33 And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same. 34 And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. 35 But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. 36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. 37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: 38 Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

6- Above all in times of conflict seek the Lord in prayer!
Romans 12:12 Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;
Philippians 4:6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
James 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.


As I said earlier in this terribly long post....this situation is not resolved. I have instead allowed myself to become bitter over something that should have been dealt with scripturally from the beginning. I intend to follow the plan that the Lord has laid out for us in scripture and accept whatever His will is from there. I can say that I do believe that the Lord is already working in this situation and I'm so thankful that He allowed me to see the bitterness I had begun to develop so that can be dealt with and not further hinder an already difficult conflict.

I've also been studying alot on compromise and forgiveness....watch out, there may be more exceedingly long posts to come!

Broken vessels

Oh last night's service at church was so good! It's always good and I love our Wednesday evening services all the time but I this time was something very special to me!

Pastor preached a message that he titled "The way that God uses broken vessels". It's a message that I will never forget and if anyone of you want a copy of the tape leave me a comment and I'll find a way to get you one.....it's just that good. I'll try to share a bit of the message here but you should really really REALLY GET THE TAPE!! I'll just share what I have in my notes from church last night but you should really hear the tape !!

Pastor explained that all of God's people are clay vessels and that God never throws out one of His vessels and will always have a use for them no matter how broken they are.

We read from Job 2:8 how as Job was covered from the soles of his feet to his head with sore boils he scraped them with a potsherd...or piece of broken pottery. Now that may sound as nasty as could be but from a medical perspective there are times when a wound must be cleaned or scraped out so that the new flesh can grow in and heal....otherwise infection may set in or the wound just will never heal at all. So that little piece of broken vessel may not have been valued by the world for anything but to Job at that moment of need it was facilitating his healing!

Broken vessels may never be as beautiful as they once were or as fancy looking and they may never be as proudly displayed as those flawless seeming pieces are but they are far from worthless!!

Pastor explained that there are 3 main places that vessels are broken.

1- Some vessels are broken in the fireplace.

• To be worth anything clay vessels must be fired to be cured and sealed and ready for use but some vessels contain flaws or weak spots that will crack or break out during this process and sometimes that is one way that the potter can find and repair those flaws so that the vessel can be used to fill it's purpose.
• Sometimes a vessel is impure and firing it is one way to clean it or purify it for use.
• 1 Peter 4:12-13 says "Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: but rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy."

2- Some vessels are broken in the marketplace. They have made it through the fireplace and are now ready to serve their purpose but something happens.

• They may have been jostled and damaged in the display while waiting to be put to use.
• Some careless or clumsy person may have mishandled them or misused them.
• These vessels are damaged while trying to find their place or purpose.

3- Some vessels are damaged in the homeplace.

• They have found their place and are serving their purpose.
• They are possibly misused or mishandled and damaged that way.
• They are broken doing the very thing they are created to do.

But as Pastor preached last night God has a purpose for broken vessels!! He doesn't just say "oops, that one got cracked the last time someone tried it so off to the dump it goes". Pastor preached that there are 3 main purposes for broken vessels.

1-To relieve the weary.

• Like Job in Job 2:8, sometimes our brothers and sisters need that broken vessel to help them heal.
• Sometimes a broken vessel can be used to relieve someone else's suffering.

2-"To take fire from the hearth" in Isaiah 30:14 it says "And he shall break it as the breaking of the potters' vessel that is broken in pieces; he shall not spare: so that there shall not be found in the bursting of it a sherd to take fired from the hearth, or to take water withal out of the pit. "

• When we "take fire from the hearth" like I used to do in the bakery I worked in it was to lay another fire, those coals were the hottest part of the fire and could be used to keep the oven warm or to start another fire in the other ovens.
• Taking fire from the hearth that way is a way to redistribute the warmth....sharing the warmth with others, to warm up to cold places of liberalism.

3-"To take water withal out of the pit" also from Isaiah 30:14.....Pastor pointed out that it doesn't say "well" but pit....this would envision something that wasn't an easy task or pleasant to me. Pastor talked about how good it feels to have a long cool drink of water on a hot day when you've been really working hard.

• To take water to those who can't get to the source themselves, those who are weak or infirm.
• To take water to those places that have none, places that are dry.

As Pastor was preaching about taking water out of the pit another thought occured to me about broken vessels and water. Sometimes folks who are weak or ill can't handle large amounts of water but sicknesses sometimes cause thirst and they would often try to take more than they could handle and make themselves feel worse......a broken vessel can only carry so much at a time!!! Another thought that I had was that a vessel that has a few leaks in it may leak a bit of water along it's way and unknowingly water other places that they didn't set out to and I bet the Lord could sure use that bit of talent to sprinkle some of the dry places in the world......sometimes a person can get so dry that they don't think they want a drink until they get a drop or two of water on them!!

I know that life has broken me so many times and in so many ways that often I have felt that I was just useless and worthless to the Lord. It wasn't so long ago (maybe a couple of weeks) that I confided in a sister that I felt I was like dead weight in the Lord's family because of my broken places.... so last night as this message was being preached I was so thankful that I was not sitting up front in my usual seat but was all the way in the back row as the tears of relief were flooding my face!! I'm still moved to tears this morning as I type this just knowing that the Lord loves me so much that he would never throw me away but instead find wonderful uses for me in His family......it just doesn't matter to him that I'm not perfect and beautiful and flawless I'm not even close!! But He loves me so much that He will still keep me and give me purpose and allow me to serve him!!!! It just makes me so happy to think on that!! As horrible and ugly and undeserving as I have been in my life ....even at my worst and most broken moment God can turn it into something good for someone else in His family!!!!

It brought to my mind my Grandmother's milk pitcher and how precious it is to me. It's old and very used, it has broken so many times it isn't funny and sometimes I wonder if the superglue can keep holding it together! It leaks really really bad if I try to put anything liquid in it and it can't really be used for what it was originally intended but still it has it's own special kind of beauty and more than that it has a great deal of meaning to me because I know where it came from. No matter where we live it always has a special place in my home and is treated very very tenderly now. If I can love a broken vessel so much with my weak human heart how much the more God must love me!!!!

The cost of her divided heart

The United States newborn survival rate ranks low. That was a news headline that I read yesterday and for about half a minute I was actually shocked to read it. Then I started thinking about it. In this country we women aren't really allowed to really give our hearts to caring for our children and husbands the way that we should....we are condemned for it by a society that values the woman's ability to earn a dollar over her ability to mother and care for her children. I would be willing to say that the US divorce rate and the rate of children born out of wedlock is also a contributing factor to the problem of babies not living long enough to leave the hospital.....and also results of women with divided hearts.

When a woman leaves the duties of the home to go find work or to go to school she is forced to divide her heart between her worldly pursuits and the love of her home and family. She is immediately in a position to have to choose every minute of every day which set of priorities she will serve....it usually will end up being the one that brings in the paycheck or promises some other glittery reward, rarely the supposed drudgery of being the invisible force that keeps a family running smoothly along will win out. Not that her intentions are that way, it just works that way and rarely does the poor thing see it coming when suddenly a child is very ill or a husband begins to stay away from home later and later.....then she feels literally torn apart in trying to be all things to all people in all situations and who wouldn't be depressed about that?! Has anyone else noticed that new anti-depressant medications are released every few months as the tolerance to the "old ones" has built up to the point that they are no longer effective?....and could all of those medications be affecting the survival rate of newborns? Hmmm.

I also notice that the most common thing that I hear from working mothers to be is that they don't want to foster "too much of an attachment" with their new babies to make the return to work easier at the end of maternity leave. As a result they don't hold and cuddle their babies as much as moms who stay home and they don't breastfeed them either at all or primarily via pumping. Yet people don't seem to understand this "phenomenon" of post partum depression skyrocketing. To fit in with the world we must immediately begin to distance ourselves from our babies the minute that they are born. We have to teach them to attach themselves to daycare providers and teachers and before they are even potty trained kids are looking for SOMEONE to just love them the way that their mothers should....yet we act shocked when 13 year old girls get pregnant or when 7&8 year old girls start talking about boyfriends. People... children are lonely and hurting and trying to fill the holes that are left by her divided heart.

I am sick to death of the feminist rant that women who stay home aren't achieving what they should be. What pure trash! I've watched countless marriages fall into ruin (nearly my own included) and I don't want to think about how many girls under 18 and without husbands I have know who had babies and we really don't want to talk about how many kids I've seen get locked up either in detention or mental health facilities or both.....all because a women somewhere felt the need to divide her heart, her time and her attention between what God has given her and what the world made her think she could have. If you are fortunate enough to have never fallen into the trap of the world and left your family to go to work then be very very thankful for that.....if you are one of the ones who is trying to figure out how to put the pieces back together like some very good friends of mine just cling to the truth of the matter and pray hard. The next time someone tells me that I need a job I'm liable to slap them a couple of times in an attempt to knock some sense into them.....I have the job that the Lord has given me and I love it.

The world tries to blame the poor rate of infant survival in the US on things like race, poverty, lack of adequate access to birth control and poor sex education for young folks. The truth is that the US has forced the family to splinter into fragments that must function (dysfunctionaly) individually and in positions that the Lord never intended. Our nation has become such a liberal run society that it no longer is willing to accept that things like divorce, juvenile crime, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, alcoholism and poverty are all preventable and that by and large those are consequences of families being forced into unnatural states of being rather than "just today's society" or some other such nonsensical saying.

I wish I could apoligize for ranting but not this time. I will apoligize for my rant having been poorly written but nothing more. To my sweet and precious friend who I talked to this morning....may the Lord bless you as you and your hubby try to put your lives back together, I'll be praying.

Hell's Best Kept Secret

Hell's Best Kept Secret is free to watch or listen to online, or you can download it and record it to cd or you can order the cd, dvd, or I think even a book but please do listen to it, watch it or read it! It is really well done and a great help to all of us who have a heart and desire to labor for the Lord. My family watched it the other night and it really helped us. I found it at http://www.livingwaters.com/listenwatch.shtml

The kids and I have also watched several of the other videos from the Way of the Master tv show that are available to watch on the site. http://www.livingwaters.com/watch.shtml They are all feeling much more comfortable with how to reach out to folks and share their faith now and really enjoyed watching. I found out through the Living Waters website that we can watch the actually tv series Way of the Master online so we may do that from time to time as well. One of the sisters from our church happened to have a copy of the book and has loaned it to us too so we will be using that in our study time at home.

Other than studying and trying to improve our ability to reach others for Jesus we have been trying to get a few things done around here. My garden is growing but it is going to need help soon. I'm just not used to sandy soil and so little rain or I guess i should say irregular rainfall on sandy ground. I'm thinking that I will just have to mulch and mulch and mulch.....good thing that we have so many leaves to mulch with. We will soon be swinging over into our summer time schooling schedule and then it will be a little easier to get out there and spend some time in the garden. I am hoping to get the time to till up some more ground since I still have lots of things that I would love to plant before the summer gets here and it will be too late.

Well folks, that's all for today.....I just wanted to post that link like I said I would.

Soulwinning and marriage killing

Physically I feel totally drained....I've not been sleeping much and it's beginning to show in the way I'm performing around the house. I'm so thankful though that even when my body is feeling just about ready to quit that my mind is still working and planning and 'tidying up'. We had a wonderful weekend and even got to go out witnessing as a family....that rarely happens just because of schedules and my health.

Yesterday between church services and today after our bible reading the kids and I have been studying about how to be better witnesses for the Lord and how to reach lost souls more effectively. There are lots of wonderful resources available through www.wayofthemaster.com We have been so excited to finally have some tools to use other than just asking folks if they are saved (we've gotten plenty of dirty looks over that) and giving our own testimony (which always leads to someone telling us they are glad it works for us but isn't for them) and the typical things that christians are taught to do when trying to reach folks. We love inviting people to our church and we love to tell folks what the Lord has done for us but we are all really desperately wanting to see lost souls convicted of their need for Christ and ask Jesus to be their Savior. I really love the resources there because they focus on bringing a person to conviction and explains that so many folks are "backslidden" and so many false professions are made because people simply don't see WHY they need Jesus before they say a happy little prayer that they think will be the magic bullet for their messed up life. I'll post the link to the video "Hell's Best Kept Secret" soon....it's done by Ray Comfort and really goes into depth about why 80-90% of the people who say a 'sinner's prayer' or prayer for salvation end up out of fellowship less than a year later and never really get on fire for God.

Troy and I had been trying for quite awhile now to help the kids learn to reach out for the Lord but we felt so ill equipped ourselves that we are having to 'teach the teacher' first. I would encourage anyone who needs help finding ways to talk to people about the Lord to check out the things they have available on their site.....and even if you are a veteran soul winner there is something there of use. We have only just dipped in on the surface and can't wait to keep digging!!!

Also on my mind lately is marriages. A sister at church requested prayer for marriages not too long ago and I have to confess that marriages, couples, families have all been on my heart for so long now! After seeing how the Lord saved my marriage and what He has done to/for my family I can't help but pray for others who need that kind of "spit and polish" so to speak in their own lives. It breaks my heart to see so many women make snide remarks about their husbands.....even followed with a little giggle or when he is out of earshot those comments and the meditations of the minds and hearts of those women are killing their marriages!

I know that I am just as guilty as many other women I know of indulging in the urge to make that little remark about my husband.....what makes it worse when I do it is that I KNOW FOR A FACT....just how badly that has hurt my marriage in the past...it drives a wedge between the couple, a wedge of distrust, it destroys his faith in his wife's ability to love him despite his faults and failings, it undermines his ability to trust in himself as the leader of his family, and little by little it seeps into every day conversations and thoughts and turns into actions that start out really tiny but grow over time and like weeds in a garden it soon over grows the feelings of love and closeness in a marriage. I have had to take it to the Lord time and time again and just ask Him to help me watch my tongue to help me keep my thoughts right and to help me be the helpmeet that He would have me to be for my husband. Even if my husband was the biggest jerk in the world I would still only be contributing to the problem by giving it a voice that can be heard by someone outside of my marriage (other than the Lord). Even worse is when that sort of thing is overheard by the children of the couple.....I remember very very clearly the impact on my life when my parents (or as the case may be step parent and parent) made those kind of "joking" remarks about each other. Anything that isn't praise of your spouse is not joking....it's not funny....it's downright dangerous!

That is a lesson that I had to learn in one of the hardest ways possible. I had to hear from my husband as our marriage was literally falling apart just how those "little comments" had built a wall of pain, frustration, anger and confusion between us over the years. I had to hear just how painful it was for him to "know" what I "really" thought of him deep down in my heart. Of course I wasn't "really" trying to hurt him....I was just "giving vent" to turmoil in my own heart or "venting" or "joking"......c'mon, we all know what I was truly doing...I was making a dig, I don't know one woman who has never done it. We all know how one little thing leads to one bigger thing leads to even bigger things and problems in life tend to snowball out of control....especially problems that have roots in sin and aren't dealt with in prayer. I'm not saying that 100% of the problems that were in my marriage came about because I had said some unkind words about my husband, but it sure did kick the door to trouble wide open and send out a gold guilded invitation!!!

I am so very blessed that the Lord rescued my marriage!! I can't imagine one day without my husband let alone the rest of my life as his advesary in endless fights over visitation with the kids, child support and who's fault the mess our lives had become really was in the first place. I'm am so glad that Troy let me know what those "off hand remarks" were doing to his heart so that I could see what they were doing to my marriage.

Wow, I really didn't mean to rant like this but like I said this subject has really been on my heart for awhile now and I keep seeing or should I say hearing this very thing go on. So now you know what's on my mind and heart for prayer today!!! Now I have to get my chores finished up before my sweet hubby gets off work for the day and wonders what I did to redeem the time this day......which was actually plenty but that is a story for another day.

Act like a lady??

Something that has been on my heart for some time now is "ladylike behavior". I have to confess that is something that I have never really understood. On so many levels the roles of women have become a confused and muddled mess of stereotypical nonsense that no one could ever (or should ever) conform to. If you stop for a minute and think about what today's society expects from us women it will just make your head ache. Women have traded what the Lord intended for them for a fairy tale. They have bought into the lie that they should behave as men, work as men do, and live up to the same standards as men do and even operate in the same realms of authority that men do, all while still trying to be women....no wonder women are so confused about what it means to be a woman. I wish I had words to describe what those mixed up messages and society induced gender confusion have done to me in my own life but I don't .....maybe after some more time to heal and get it right I will but right now I'm busy trying to correct all that I have learned so incorrectly and in turn taught to my daughter incorrectly.

One thing that has really stood out to me the last few weeks is how much of a difference it has made in my own life to be "treated like a lady". I have always before now been taught to "take it like a man"....my daddy would say that to me so often when I was a child or tell me to "tough it out" or something like that. Daddy would frequently play more roughly with me than he did my brother so I would learn to be tough. I was never discouraged from rowdying with the boys and if I complained that a boy had hurt me my daddy's response was that I should go and fight until I gained victory physically or the end result would be not only the physical suffering from a lost battle but punishment by daddy for being weak.

Needless to say I learned to be extremely "tough".....physical challenges were soon something that I relished in and became very dominant in. I learned to play all of the "boys" sports and most often outplayed and outlasted the boys in them all.....I could play football with the best of them and wrestling was a cinch for me, I made school records in track and won trophies and medals on the softball team. I could fist fight with the best of them and at later ages knives and other weapons got thrown into the mix... I learned to squish any feelings of sympathy or such 'girly' stuff and fight ruthlessly, more ruthlessly than the boys.

When I reached junior high school I was furious to find out that girls simply were not allowed on the wrestling team or the football team and seemed to only hold value wearing skimpy skirts and jumping about to cheer on the boys....the very same boys I had been taught to best from my youngest memories. Of course I rebelled!!!! Of course I looked for every way that I could to continue to do what I had been taught to do best! So I got kicked out of school frequently for fist fighting in the hallways, or smoking in the parking lot, or bullying someone who teased me for being a 'girl'. I got into trouble with the law for fighting before I was even 13!! I fought my way into fellowship with boys and young men, I learned to work on cars and do construction work, I learned to drink more and fight harder than men twice my size....daddy's words of 'take it like a man' still rang through my mind. I had never been treated like a lady should be so I learned that I only had value in competition with men.

When I got saved way back in 1994 I was attending an extremely liberal church in a farming community and there was still very little value in being a woman unless you were a woman who cooked a lot and could still pull more than your share of work on a farm....so that's what I learned to be as a young christian woman. Now that we are in a church that is shamelessly preaching the truth I am learning that there is so much more to being a godly woman that I had ever thought there could be. It's scary really, to think that there are so many things that I should know and be able to teach my daughter that I just have no clue about! When we first came here and people (men) called me Mrs and waited for me to go before them in a line and were courteous to me it just shocked me silly....to be honest it still catches me off guard sometimes. Until now I had always thought that a man holding a door open for me was an insult....now I know that it is one of the sweetest expressions of honor that I have ever seen and it tickles me to pieces to see my sons opening car doors for my daughter as they mimic their daddy opening mine. Something else that has come from me being treated like a lady is a really strong desire that just wells up from deep inside of me to be more of a lady for my man. It has taken me completely by surprise to catch myself asking him to carry things that I know full well I can pick up and tote across the room all by myself.....but he gets this really proud look on his face and just beams every time he carries something for me. I never realized how much our men need for us to need them!

I am finding myself really focusing on teaching my sons how to treat women and girls and why it is so important that they know how to be gentlemen. It will break my heart if I ever think that they were even a tiny part responsible for causing a young girl to behave in a way that dishonors her for the sake of 'self defense' or because she felt that she had to keep up with the boys. I was so touched to see my boy in tears over the way other boys were treating one of the young ladies at church....not that he is any better than the other boys, just that my teaching has been taking hold even before I was aware that I had taught it.

I'm so happy to be learning more of what the Lord would have of me as a woman and to know that I don't have to act like a man to earn respect. I am finally learning to enjoy being a woman for the first time in my life I don't find myself saying "I hate being a girl". I am finding such joy and peace in being a "lady"....don't laugh, I'm much more of a lady now than anyone who has known me very long would ever have thought that I could be. I'm enjoying being a woman who can work hard when my husband needs me to be his help but can still be that soft hearted WOMAN without fear of being criticized or compromised. I'll be right there by Troy's side from the house to the woods and back again but in my proper role as his help meet. It's so wonderful that our Lord can restore anything to anyone no matter how late in life you come to Him willing to be changed!

Starting the year off right

Our watch night services for new year's eve were AWESOME!! Then we went to church on Sunday morning at the regular time for another incredible visit in the Lord's house.....and again on Sunday evening. It almost seems like if we haven't been at home to sleep we have been enjoying time with the Lord in His house lately. The preaching was really really good and right on target for what we needed to hear. Troy and I are both under very strong conviction about the things that we need to be doing right now and feel that we have some VERY clear direction from the Lord about some changes that we need to make in our home life. Neither one of us wants to risk becoming complacent or content with our lives but want to continue to strive to do more and be more for God's glory and to do His will in our lives. It is so wonderful to start off a new year knowing exactly where to start in making the changes in our lives that will honor our heavenly Father!!

We have also had the priviledge of getting to know some of our missionary families better and enjoyed some time to fellowship with them. My family really enjoys meeting those who are laboring in the field for the Lord. We always pray for our missionarys but to know them on a more personal level makes it so much easier for us to speak to the Lord with a heart that is full of brotherly love and concern and to understand their needs more clearly. One of the families that is with our church this week has three young sons who have answered the call to preach and Jared has surely been blessed to have been able to spend some time with other very young preachers. Taeler has really enjoyed spending time with other young girls her age too and she was able to spend the night at the church once to fellowship with the girls and had a ball.

Right before the new year's weekend I did finish reading the book "Created to Be His Help Meet" and was really blessed by it. I may have already mentioned that I was reading this book but it spoke to my heart in so many ways. Having been raised to be more of a liberal feminist type person this book really did make many many things more clear to me about God's will for women. I have so much correcting to do in my life and it really does help me tremendously to understand more clearly the roles that the Lord has given to us. I've never been the kind of person that anyone would consider "submissive" in any way shape or form, but since Troy got saved and we came here I have learned so much about why it is so important. When I look back at my life now I cringe at the thought of how bold and loud I have always lived and conversed day to day. I'm so happy that the Lord brought Troy and I here and gave us a good home church to learn and grow in so that we can raise the kids to be what the Lord would desire of them. There are so many things in our old lives that we wish we could take back or do over and the devil sure does take every opportunity to throw them in our faces and try to get us down. I'm just so thankful that the Lord has brought us here and given us this opportunity to give our lives to Him without reservation!

Hopefully soon I will get the chance to write a better post and describe things a bit more clearly but today my mind is tired and feels kind of "muddy" so this will have to do. I'm struggling to get more done around the house but have so far made great progress on my decluttering mission. May all of you have a wonderful and blessed day!!

Goodbye 2005....what a year it's been

It sure does seem like this year has flown by us. So much has happened and so many things have changed and I guess we have just been too busy to really pay any attention to how much time has passed us by. Just last night we realized that we left Missouri almost a year ago! It seems like we just got here but we have been here since the beginning of March. Jared said that times flies when you're busy sorting blessings....he's so funny, but there must be some truth to it because we have been really busy and it has all been for the good!

We are all so excited about everything that the Lord has done in our lives this past year that it just seems like the perfect way to launch into the next year by praising the Lord for the one that is passing. We will all be at church this new year's eve....we are really really excited too, we've never been to a watch night service before but it really sounds like a lot of fun! We have several missionary families in for the service too.

There has been lots of things going on back home too and we've just been bouncing around praising God for being so good to the folks back in Missouri too. Our old pastor has turned into a man on fire for the Lord in the best way I can think of and it doesn't even seem to phase him that he is nearly 81 years old. He has just sold his farm and moved into a camper trailer and has been traveling the state preaching hard out of the King James Bible.....ya'll just don't know how much of a blessing it has been to us to hear that piece of news. He is a wonderful brother but had let his preaching really really slide the last decade or two and Praise God now he knows what he needs to do and he sure isn't hesitating to do it either. I just love to hear good news from back home!! I talked to Miss Willie again yesterday morning and that was just one of the pieces of news she had for me. There are lots of good things going on and I can't wait to see what the Lord has planned for the next year!

The only really sad things are that two families are moving away from our church now and I really am going to miss them terribly. I hope that they find good churches and that their lives in their new homes are sweet and blessed by the Lord. Not much else to write about ......just saying bye bye to 2005.

Thank you Lord, for all the things I didn't get to be

It's late, I can't sleep (surprise surprise) and my mind is just running over with things to thank God for. I just love my life....I can't say it enough and I can't praise the Lord enough. It isn't the life I would have planned for myself.....in fact it is so very far from it that it's hard to imagine how I got here. I love my life though and I'm amazed at how it all happened despite my best efforts to mess it all up.

Tonight (or should I say last night?) at church one of the brothers was testifying about how all of the plans that he had laid out for himself were trashed after he was called to preach. Well Jared testified too that all of the plans that he had for his life were changed now and subject to the Lord's will for his life and how happy he was about that. Well, it got me to thinking (don't laugh) that preachers aren't the only ones whose plans get changed when God passes through the middle of whoever it is that you think you are. Once upon a time there was a tiny little girl named Jeannie who thought that she really did know what she wanted to be someday....she really did think she knew what kind of life she wanted to live and how she was going to accomplish all of it. What a seriously misled little girl she was!

Once upon a time I thought I wanted to grow up to be a lawyer. Actually I thought that off and on, mostly on, all the way up until a couple of years ago. Despite all the messes I had made of my life while wallowing in sin I figured I could always go back to school and suffer my way through the class work and paper writing well into my 50's if that was what it took to be a lawyer who prosecuted the criminals and got them locked up in jail. I thought after a stint as a county prosecutor I could either run for a judicial seat or open a private practice or maybe go into consulting or teaching. We could spend a few days dissecting the whys and such of that little dream of mine but none of that is important now. What is important now is that I don't have any desire to be the courtroom pounding, criminal hating, docket dominating wench that I once dreamed of becoming.....to tell the truth I don't even think I still have it in me to fight that hard or argue that much. I would be much more concerned with the condition of the criminal's souls than I would be with the crimes that they committed. The days of my little obsession with what society considers justice have passed me by completely.

I used to think that someday I would get back into shape and get healthy again and maybe go back into the fire service. I used to think that there is no greater rush than pulling someone out of a really bad car accident and stabilizing them for transport....or being the first in on a blazing structure fire and hearing that strange popping hiss as you crack the nozzle on the hoseline to put the first of the water on the fire. I used to think that the greatest thrill was in being one of the few women who could stand up to the job and get it done just as good or better than the men (and with a lot less whining I might add). I can remember so clearly coming in from those long hours of training or a really tough fire and thinking "oh boy this is what I was made for". Now I know that is such total nonsense. Yes I was good at doing that work,I even made history doing it.... but no that was NOT what I was made for. Yes, I still want to rescue people from the flames, but the ones I'm talking about can never be put out by me or anyone else. The burden I have now to keep people from being burned is a much heavier burden than I can ever carry alone......Thank God I have all the brothers and sisters to help.

I used to think that I wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to be there to comfort the dying and nurse the sick back to health. I used to think that it would be wonderful to perform cpr and see someone literally come back to life. I used to think that it would be a wonderful feeling to assist as women birthed their babies. Now I know that I have no comfort for the dying if they die without knowing the Lord. Now I know that the only real healing we can ever know comes from Jesus and Him alone. Now I know that to come back to life is to get ahold of salvation and know that you will never truly die.....and to see someone born is beautiful, but to see them born again is the most beautiful thing I will see this side of heaven.

I used to think that I wanted to teach my daughter to be a very independent woman who could hold her own without ever having to rely on a man to take care of her or support her. Now I realize how foolish that kind of thinking is......it's just flat out dangerous. Yes, women should be treated with respect and I can honestly say that I am treated with more respect now than what I have ever deserved or ever will. I feel so bad that so many women have traded true respect with some silly notion of being treated like a man in exchange....do they even know what they are missing? I realize that there are some sorry excuses for men in this world....but what better way to change that than to raise a generation of good ones? I pray that I raise my boys to be good godly men who treat all women with respect and honor, and I pray that I teach my daughter that to degrade herself in the name of "equality" will only be selling herself short of God's wonderful plan for her life.

I used to think that money would make me happy and that it would take care of so many problems. Now I know that often it only causes more problems than it solves and that when I do have a little to spare the best investment is to give it to the Lord. I just don't understand how hanging on to every little penny is going to help me at all. It seems like the more people have the more they think they need and it just never stops. When I am dead and gone from this earth it isn't going to matter whether or not I wore name brand clothes or had my hair done at a beauty shop or not....what will matter is whether or not I handled my money the way that the Lord wanted me to. I don't want to get to heaven and realize that I failed to put $10 in the offering that would have bought bibles for children in another country and because of that through the ripple effect 25 people in that villiage didn't hear the gospel and went to hell instead of heaven.......I know that is a way out there scenario but you get my meaning.

I used to think that the only way to be important was to be sought after by other people so that I could teach them something or show my superiority to them in some area or another. I used to think that one of the most important things was to look "pretty" and attract the attention of as many men as possible (it really hurts to admit that one). Now I know better. It is more important to serve than it is to be served.......Oh Lord please make me a better servant for You!!! I know now that being lusted after is really an ugly ugly substitute for true respect and honor......Oh PLEASE Lord keep me concious always as to how I should look and behave to keep myself properly modest and to attract attention only to YOU!!! I know now how important it is to be humble......Please Lord help keep my mind off of myself and only on what you would have me to do and be for your glory!!!

Thank you Lord that I didn't get to be a lawyer......instead I plead for lost souls and stand in the gap where ever I'm needed. Thank you Lord that I'll never see the fires I'm fighting and I pray that you'll guide me to those souls in need of the cool waters of salvation.....help me Lord to be a good worker on your fire service. Thank you Lord that I didn't get to be a nurse to wade through the hardships of this life day after day for money as my reward....I look forward to seeing people reborn instead. Thank you Lord that I didn't get to be a radical left wing feminist marching around shouting for my 'rights'......I'm so happy to be feminine and living according to your plan for women! Thank you Lord that I didn't get to be rich.....help me to always remember that no matter how much or how little I have that you can make much better use of it than I can! In all of these things that I didn't get to be I Thank You Lord for what I am.....your child for all eternity!!!

I'm so glad that instead of being all of those things I am busy being just who I am in Christ!!! I pray that the Lord can make good use of me. Nothing makes me happier now than to feel like I am serving Him and serving His purpose. I wouldn't trade what I am now for any of those old dreams. I'm so thankful that the Lord has any use for the mess of a person that I am! I am so happy to know that He loves me as unloveable as I am. Thank YOU Lord for all the things I didn't get to be, and Thank You for all the things I am yet to become through You.

Changing lanes

I have been so so overwhelmingly blessed!!! This past year has been such an incredible beginning for my family that for the first time in my entire life I find myself at the end of the year not looking back and wistfully thinking that every minute of the past 365 days has been a miserable waste. Now I'm just bubbling with excitement and wonder at what the Lord has planned for me for the year coming up instead of depressed for all the misery held in the years gone by. It is simply amazing at how much time and energy I have wasted in my life being unhappy and allowing myself to continue to feel that way because I was out of God's will for my life. Those of you who know me also know that there have been some very dramatic changes made in the lives of each member of my family....changes that began taking place a bit over a year ago now and today we are living proof that if you simply give your life to God without holding anything back that He will bless you beyond anything you could ever have imagined or even known to ask for. No my life isn't perfect, it won't be this side of heaven but now that Troy and I are totally committed to living the life that the Lord wants of us instead of what our human selfish natures would dictate our lives are so much better than anything we could ever have planned for ourselves.....it is simply joy unspeakable!!

We have all learned so much and looking back now it is so very easy to see so many ways that we were our own worst enemies. Troy and I had both lived life as rebels and made it our goal to be so different from all that we saw as 'oppressive' and restrictive. We fought all authority and rules and laws were just words on paper to us. How foolishly we had behaved for so long and like the fools we were we really believed that we were just trying to be 'different'. We didn't understand then how much the Lord hates rebellion! Last nights message at church was on "A Cruel Messenger" from Proverbs 17:1-11 but mostly verse 11.
Pr 17:11 An evil man seeketh only rebellion: therefore a cruel messenger shall be sent against him.
Pastor Hoyle preached about how the Lord will send a cruel messenger to get the attention of someone who is rebelling, kind of as a last resort to get their attention and hopefully they will take heed of the Lord's warning before they are destroyed by their sins. I'm so glad that Troy and I heard that cruel messenger and that the Lord loved us so much that He sent one. Don't get me wrong, I never ever want to have to go through that kind of pain in my life again....but I really and truly hate to think of where either one of us would be had we not taken heed to that 'warning shot' and submitted ourselves to the Lord. I'm so thankful that even through some of the most painful events I've ever experienced the Lord was there with me just waiting for me to reach out to Him in faith so that He could help me get to the place where He wanted me to be!

We didn't know it then but submission is the fertilizer of faith and faith is the opposite of fear. As soon as we put our trust in the Lord and submitted ourselves to Him without reservation that tiny seed of faith that had lived inside of us began to grow. Because we had failed to acknowledge His sovereignty through our submission our faith had remained dormant. As soon as we turned our hearts toward him and gave our hearts to him fully our faith grew and blossomed and now is flourishing!! We have seen His works in our lives in some really tremendous ways and we want nothing more than to BE His work all day every day!! Everything about our lives is different now, no area of our life has been left untouched and I love what the Lord has done and only wish that I had surrendered to Him totally a very very long time ago. I now have no need of fear, I know that I can trust the Lord and that He has nothing but good things planned for me. No life will not be perfect in my weak human sight but I know that God has made me promises and that He will stand by His Word always! I can turn to Him for anything and everything and He will always hear me and He will always care!! He is my strength, my joy, my hope, my peace and the list goes on and on!!!
2Sa 22:33 God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.

Ps 73:26 My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

Col 1:11 Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness;

I hate to think of where we would be had the Lord not sent us that messenger! It is easy to sit to the side of your life and murmur about how ugly and bad things are when in the pain of being dealt with for being out of God's will but if you just stop and submit yourself to His will for you completely God can scoop you up out of the mire and set your feet on that solid rock that brings such peace and joy into life. It's up to you how you respond to that 'Cruel Messenger' but it's up to God what happens to you if you fail to respond correctly.

I know now that had we not submitted ourselves properly to the Lord I would be spending another December grieving and mouring the year that has gone by and weeping for all the problems in my life instead of enjoying the blessings of God and resting in His perfect peace. Someone told me one time that if everything in your life seems to be coming against you it's time to change lanes. Don't wait until you feel like you are blocked in during rush hour traffic to turn on your blinkers!!! Do you need to change lanes?

Please preacher.....PREACH!!!!

Well our last revival meeting was Friday night and I'm so blown away that it is still just all sinking in. God is so good!! During the meeting one of the brothers testified that he wanted all of the preachers to just ignore whatever pressure is from the world or the pew or anything not directly from God and Preach the truth. I can shout AMEN to that one! I got saved in 1994 and was in a very very liberal non denominational charismatic church. I wasn't fed properly as a baby christian, I was using the wrong translation of the bible, and I was being told outright lies from the pulpit! It's no wonder that for the first several years I was saved I couldn't do anything but stumble around trying to find a definite direction to go in. I was saved by grace, just the same as I am now but I couldn't grow right and what made it worse was that I couldn't figure out why I wasn't growing the way that I thought I should be. Just like feeding a baby junk food will cause them to not grow properly, I was nearly crippled by junk preaching. Not only was I not growing but I wasn't able to be the kind of witness that the Lord would have been able to use to further His kingdom and I was most likely causing other folks to stumble as well.

I did end up leaving that church after nearly 4 years of feeling increasingly more confused. I wasn't exactly sure what it was that was causing me to feel so short circuited but I knew I had to leave that church. I started going to a little country church that was pastored by a really sweet old preacher man who I'm sure in his younger days was full of fire and preached long and hard to his church.....but by the time I met him he was pretty tired and though he read the King James Bible in his service he never told me that I should and he also neglected to explain a whole lot of other stuff to me too. Brother Austin left out a lot of important things in his messages, like how to know for sure that you are saved....that message could sure have helped my husband a long time ago. He could have taught us more about the importance of how you live your day to day life. That preacher never told me an outright lie, but I think that maybe he had just gotten so tired (he was well over 75 at the time) that he succumbed a bit to the pressure from the pew and caved just a bit. He retired from preaching and pastoring that church just a few months after we moved away.

We ended up moving away from that town after just a couple of years in that church and though we visited quite a few churches since then I just never felt the Lord's presence and none of the churches that we visited felt like a place that we should be. They were all full of seemingly nice folks who were friendly enough.....one of them even had a Starbuck's Coffee shop in the foyer so people could sit and visit after the service....but I know the Lord just wasn't in the preaching there. I felt so cut off from what I believed was God's will that I actually began to wonder on a daily basis if there were any churches with preacher's who told the truth and weren't too old or too tired or too afraid of losing favor with the people in the pew to preach. I had almost given up hope of finding a place to grow and had actually started to wither away.....all of those years of being lied to by the preachers and of not being told the truth when they knew it to tell combined with some really bad things happening to me and my family had just started to completely choke my faith out. I could almost physically feel that light inside of me growing weaker by the day. I started to think that if the preachers were lying to me (I didn't know exactly what those lies were but I did know that what they HAD told me wasn't the truth) that maybe it was all just a big fairy tale. I even remember telling the Lord in my prayers for a long time that I really really wanted to keep on believing but that it was just so hard to see a reason to.....and I remember begging Him to help me hold on to whatever shreds of faith I had left.

My husband and I hit some of the hardest times of our life together a year ago this week. I had never ever felt so broken and I know that he had never been so broken. Though my heart was horribly wounded and at the time I questioned my faith harder than ever Troy was finding his. He got saved in February and moved us all to North Carolina less than a month later. We had only been here a week and a half when I was feeling totally overwhelmed with the thought of trying to find a church again, trying to start my life over AGAIN, trying to make myself want to do any of this again. I ended up locked in the bathroom on my knees begging the Lord one more time to please just send me some kind of help to find Him for real....I didn't want anymore lies and I didn't want a fancy show to go to on Sunday and I didn't want a Starbuck's in the foyer.....I just wanted the Lord and someone who could help me learn the right way. Don't you know that I had only been up off of my knees for less than 10 minutes when the doorbell rang.....It was the pastor of our church and one of the preachers from there out visiting. We went to church there that Wednesday, dressed as wrong as could be and carrying the wrong bible but we were there and SO WAS GOD!!!

I'll never forget those first few visits to Little River Baptist Church. I left mad nearly every single time, but I knew I had been in God's house every one of those times too and I knew that no matter how mad I felt I would be going back. Here I am now, tomorrow makes it almost nine months since we first came to this church and I can't imagine not going no matter how tired I am or how late I'm awake in the night......I know now how much I need to be preached to the right way. I know how big of a difference it has made in my life to be told the truth all of the time. I'm not saying that any of the preachers here are mean or hateful about the (sometimes painful) truth, they are all so very full of God's love that the truth is sweeter than any lie I've ever heard. The preaching might make me a little mad from time to time, but these preachers are smart enough to teach me that all that means is that something isn't quite right and I need to pay extra close attention. So I am going to church tomorrow morning and my prayer tonight is Please Please Please PREACH!!!

It breaks my heart now to think of all that those years of lies and false teaching have cost me and my family. It breaks my heart even more to think of all the extra wrongs I've committed thinking they were right. I wonder if those preachers even know that they are preaching lies and teaching such crazy things as what I'd been taught? I wonder if it would make any difference to them at all if they did know? It scares me to death to think that now I'm raising a preacher....oh there aren't even words to say how much that scares me. I don't ever want to see him exposed to that false teaching that nearly ruined my life. I thank the Lord that He saw fit to bring us here and give us a place to grow and learn. We'll be there in the morning sitting in our seats waiting for the preachers to preach!! If you are reading this don't forget to pray for your preacher! It wouldn't hurt a thing for you to pray for all of them.....pray that the right ones will stay that way and the wrong ones will be quieted somehow. There are some who are just too gentle to live among wolves.