Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Looking back? Will you forgive me?

I am asking forgiveness of all of my sisters and brothers in the Lord and from all of those who read this blog. There have been a couple of posts here that I am very unhappy with but posted anyway, they were words straight from my heart typed out here and the Lord has dealt with me on some things that I feel I should type out an apology for.

Last Sunday our pastor preached and though the message was directed to other topics he made a statement about Lot's wife that dropped the heavy weight of conviction clear on my heart. Pastor said that Lot's wife was turned to a pillar of salt for looking back (duh, we all knew that already right?)....what I had never noticed before was that Lot's wife was leaving behind in Sodom children and family members that she loved deeply!! That poor woman was probably very very stricken with grief not only in leaving them behind but in leaving them behind to destruction and judgment.....as pastor said, who could blame her for looking back. Anyway, she was disobedient to the Lord in that she looked back upon the destruction of Sodom.

Well, if you read the "graduation day" post and a couple of others I'm sure you can tell that I've spent a fair amount of time "looking back". I made a lot of mistakes before I was saved and living for the Lord and so did Troy.....in fact both of our lives are very very sin scarred and though the Lord has brought us a very long way every single day is a battle of one sort or the other. I am so very thankful that the Lord saw fit to deliver us out of the "Sodom" that our lives had become and healed us of our sin sicknesses and I have no business wasting the precious time the Lord has given me looking back with such sadness and grief. I feel awful in how I must have grieved the Lord in those posts and I hope that you will all be able to forgive me for such wallowing. I am so terribly sorry to have allowed myself to become such an ugly example for anyone who happened across my blog!

I am trying to learn to let the past stay right where it is and trust the Lord to deal with family members and loved ones who don't understand why we live as we do now. It has been very hard for me to just keep going forward with the life the Lord has given me and not try to take a U turn to go back and correct my entire past......I honestly don't know if Lot's wife knew how to go forward and not look back. It has proven to be one of the most difficult things I've ever tried to do. I've left behind so many folks that I truly cared for and known that they were only running to destruction with the sinful wicked lifestyles they chose, and I've left behind many loved ones who I simply didn't know how to reach once I was saved and our paths became so starkly different that they felt I'd lost my mind. Pray that I will be stronger in the Lord and stop looking back from the pit that God so graciously and mercifully lifted me out of......He truly delivered me from the very edge of death and destruction......pray that I will just continue forward and seek Him first and constantly in all things!!!

1 comment:

Stephanie said...

I love you! I forgive you! We all have those kinds of days. I listen to good music to keep me from pouring it all out on the nearest innocent bystander (usually my poor hubby If I start singing really loud he knows something is wrong) :)

" One more day/ one more step/ I'm preparing you/ for myself/ and if you can't hear my voice/ please, just trust my plan/ I am God trust me I've got the whole world in my hands!"