It's late, I can't sleep (surprise surprise) and my mind is just running over with things to thank God for. I just love my life....I can't say it enough and I can't praise the Lord enough. It isn't the life I would have planned for myself.....in fact it is so very far from it that it's hard to imagine how I got here. I love my life though and I'm amazed at how it all happened despite my best efforts to mess it all up.
Tonight (or should I say last night?) at church one of the brothers was testifying about how all of the plans that he had laid out for himself were trashed after he was called to preach. Well Jared testified too that all of the plans that he had for his life were changed now and subject to the Lord's will for his life and how happy he was about that. Well, it got me to thinking (don't laugh) that preachers aren't the only ones whose plans get changed when God passes through the middle of whoever it is that you think you are. Once upon a time there was a tiny little girl named Jeannie who thought that she really did know what she wanted to be someday....she really did think she knew what kind of life she wanted to live and how she was going to accomplish all of it. What a seriously misled little girl she was!
Once upon a time I thought I wanted to grow up to be a lawyer. Actually I thought that off and on, mostly on, all the way up until a couple of years ago. Despite all the messes I had made of my life while wallowing in sin I figured I could always go back to school and suffer my way through the class work and paper writing well into my 50's if that was what it took to be a lawyer who prosecuted the criminals and got them locked up in jail. I thought after a stint as a county prosecutor I could either run for a judicial seat or open a private practice or maybe go into consulting or teaching. We could spend a few days dissecting the whys and such of that little dream of mine but none of that is important now. What is important now is that I don't have any desire to be the courtroom pounding, criminal hating, docket dominating wench that I once dreamed of becoming.....to tell the truth I don't even think I still have it in me to fight that hard or argue that much. I would be much more concerned with the condition of the criminal's souls than I would be with the crimes that they committed. The days of my little obsession with what society considers justice have passed me by completely.
I used to think that someday I would get back into shape and get healthy again and maybe go back into the fire service. I used to think that there is no greater rush than pulling someone out of a really bad car accident and stabilizing them for transport....or being the first in on a blazing structure fire and hearing that strange popping hiss as you crack the nozzle on the hoseline to put the first of the water on the fire. I used to think that the greatest thrill was in being one of the few women who could stand up to the job and get it done just as good or better than the men (and with a lot less whining I might add). I can remember so clearly coming in from those long hours of training or a really tough fire and thinking "oh boy this is what I was made for". Now I know that is such total nonsense. Yes I was good at doing that work,I even made history doing it.... but no that was NOT what I was made for. Yes, I still want to rescue people from the flames, but the ones I'm talking about can never be put out by me or anyone else. The burden I have now to keep people from being burned is a much heavier burden than I can ever carry alone......Thank God I have all the brothers and sisters to help.
I used to think that I wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to be there to comfort the dying and nurse the sick back to health. I used to think that it would be wonderful to perform cpr and see someone literally come back to life. I used to think that it would be a wonderful feeling to assist as women birthed their babies. Now I know that I have no comfort for the dying if they die without knowing the Lord. Now I know that the only real healing we can ever know comes from Jesus and Him alone. Now I know that to come back to life is to get ahold of salvation and know that you will never truly die.....and to see someone born is beautiful, but to see them born again is the most beautiful thing I will see this side of heaven.
I used to think that I wanted to teach my daughter to be a very independent woman who could hold her own without ever having to rely on a man to take care of her or support her. Now I realize how foolish that kind of thinking is......it's just flat out dangerous. Yes, women should be treated with respect and I can honestly say that I am treated with more respect now than what I have ever deserved or ever will. I feel so bad that so many women have traded true respect with some silly notion of being treated like a man in exchange....do they even know what they are missing? I realize that there are some sorry excuses for men in this world....but what better way to change that than to raise a generation of good ones? I pray that I raise my boys to be good godly men who treat all women with respect and honor, and I pray that I teach my daughter that to degrade herself in the name of "equality" will only be selling herself short of God's wonderful plan for her life.
I used to think that money would make me happy and that it would take care of so many problems. Now I know that often it only causes more problems than it solves and that when I do have a little to spare the best investment is to give it to the Lord. I just don't understand how hanging on to every little penny is going to help me at all. It seems like the more people have the more they think they need and it just never stops. When I am dead and gone from this earth it isn't going to matter whether or not I wore name brand clothes or had my hair done at a beauty shop or not....what will matter is whether or not I handled my money the way that the Lord wanted me to. I don't want to get to heaven and realize that I failed to put $10 in the offering that would have bought bibles for children in another country and because of that through the ripple effect 25 people in that villiage didn't hear the gospel and went to hell instead of heaven.......I know that is a way out there scenario but you get my meaning.
I used to think that the only way to be important was to be sought after by other people so that I could teach them something or show my superiority to them in some area or another. I used to think that one of the most important things was to look "pretty" and attract the attention of as many men as possible (it really hurts to admit that one). Now I know better. It is more important to serve than it is to be served.......Oh Lord please make me a better servant for You!!! I know now that being lusted after is really an ugly ugly substitute for true respect and honor......Oh PLEASE Lord keep me concious always as to how I should look and behave to keep myself properly modest and to attract attention only to YOU!!! I know now how important it is to be humble......Please Lord help keep my mind off of myself and only on what you would have me to do and be for your glory!!!
Thank you Lord that I didn't get to be a lawyer......instead I plead for lost souls and stand in the gap where ever I'm needed. Thank you Lord that I'll never see the fires I'm fighting and I pray that you'll guide me to those souls in need of the cool waters of salvation.....help me Lord to be a good worker on your fire service. Thank you Lord that I didn't get to be a nurse to wade through the hardships of this life day after day for money as my reward....I look forward to seeing people reborn instead. Thank you Lord that I didn't get to be a radical left wing feminist marching around shouting for my 'rights'......I'm so happy to be feminine and living according to your plan for women! Thank you Lord that I didn't get to be rich.....help me to always remember that no matter how much or how little I have that you can make much better use of it than I can! In all of these things that I didn't get to be I Thank You Lord for what I am.....your child for all eternity!!!
I'm so glad that instead of being all of those things I am busy being just who I am in Christ!!! I pray that the Lord can make good use of me. Nothing makes me happier now than to feel like I am serving Him and serving His purpose. I wouldn't trade what I am now for any of those old dreams. I'm so thankful that the Lord has any use for the mess of a person that I am! I am so happy to know that He loves me as unloveable as I am. Thank YOU Lord for all the things I didn't get to be, and Thank You for all the things I am yet to become through You.