Maybe I'm the only mother in the world who ever feels this way but sometimes raising these wonderful children the Lord has blessed me with just scares me silly. Educating them doesn't scare me, in fact I think it's the best fun I've ever had. For the most part keeping them healthy has been easy for me too. It's the bigger picture that scares me into a sensless blubbering mess.
While one of my young'uns is doing far better than I had ever even hoped for now there are 3 of the remaining tiny Ts doing this odd sort of floundering that is worrysome for me. Our little momma has gotten into a church (HOORAY!!), which is definitely an answer to many many hours of prayer. She isn't saved (yet) but at least she is willing to hear the word of God preached. Those of you who know her will all know just how big a blessing that is all by itself and how much hope that gives me.
Our little preacher boy has found himself in a rather serious bind of his own creation and though he is very very repentant for what he has done, he isn't happy with the consequences of his actions. I guess the only good thing to say about pb's situation is that it has definitely served to drive him closer to the Lord than what I think I've ever seen him. At the same time I am fearful for him that he may just pull completely away from people in an effort to protect his tender young fella emotions from further hurt. Will those of you who know him please keep my little preacher boy in your prayers? He could sure use them and I know that the ONLY one who can help and comfort those invovled is the Lord. I've never seen my pb so sad and broken and it hurts to watch him have to go through it all. Part of me wants to just wrap him up in my old tired worried and frustrated momma arms and cuddle him up, but the other half of me wants to kick him the back of the pants and spend the next 5 years yelling at the side of his head 'til something sinks in and get stuck in the middle....ya know?
Sassyfrass is also finding herself stuck in a place that she is very uncomfortable and a little scared. She is having to make some serious decisions and is finding that she isn't as ready for those kinds of things as she thought she was. I think that her Daddy will intervene and take the matter out of her hands completely very soon (and believe me, I can't wait) but he is letting her sweat it for awhile and hoping that the painful lessons being learned will never leave her for having suffered through it in prayer and faith. My poor baby girl is at that age where everything seems so much harder than it really has to be. She has prayed for over a year asking that the Lord would send her a good close girlfriend to pray with and confide in and she is feeling very alone and cornered right now by situations that have bloomed and blossomed far beyond what her boundaries were supposed to have been. We are trying to help her sort through about a years worth of misunderstanding and miscommunication and none of us are finding it to be pleasant at all. Please pray for our sweet little (not quite perfect) sassyfrass.....pray that she will just lean on the Lord and follow Him and not rely on her own strength to do the hard things that lay before her in life. She if feeling a little lonely too....the time that we have lived here is the only time in her life that she hasn't had close girlfriends to pray with and talk to about things and it's been very hard for her.
My oldest boy is not struggling with any major or life changing decisions or anything....it's just that he has finished school and is feeling like he really lacks direction in his life now. His older sister has a child and is married and even the younger Ts all seem to have some kind of idea about a general direction to go in and it's bothering my oldest feller that he just doesn't have a clue yet. I'm praying that he will find a good church and just really start seeking the Lord's will for his future and stop just relying on himself.
As for me.....I'm terrified for all of my little (and not so little) folks. I remember all too well how badly those growing up mistakes can hurt and how much the pain of those mistakes can contribute to the thought patterns and behavior patterns for the years to come. I remember how much it hurts to learn that the people and things around you aren't always what they seem to be and how hard it can be to walk away when you really don't want to. I know all too well how much it hurts to fall flat on your face in front of people who you admired and have to humble yourself and start all over again. And anyone who has known me for more than a week knows that I can tell you how hard it is to have to try to make right something that you've totally ruined and still try to hold your head up everyday. And the hardest thing of all is looking my kids in the face and telling them the brutal truth that those kinds of painful lessons in life are always going to be there no matter how grown up you get. Sometimes it's really scary to be momma.