writing, cooking and silliness?

My dear sweet wonderful hubby has decided that the three above named talents are areas in which I excel on a regular basis. My poor deluded and blinded by love hunk o' honey!! My man loves to laugh and anyone who has ever had the opportunity to sit in a room with him on one those occasions when he doesn't seem to be able to stop making puns, cracking jokes or laughing at the ones in his head that don't quite make it past his lips for whatever reason can testify that he really does have quite a sense of humor. One of his all time favorite things that I ever wrote he loves because it makes him laugh. He loves my swedish meatball recipe, and several others like it that I just haven't shared with anyone but my sweet friend Miss Willie. The swedish meatball recipe ended up on my blog once upon a time but I thought that in honor of my hubby's latest effort to encourage me to write more I would put it up again.
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Jeannie's Almost Swedish Meatballs

-1 lb ground beef and 1 lb ground turkey I usually mix this stuff half and half with most of my dishes because I don't like the flavor of the ground turkey alone...you could use all of one or the other if you want to. Go ahead, do whatever you want, it don't make no difference to me at all since I don't eat your cookin' no way.
-2 Slices of bread, torn up into itty bitty pieces. Please don't call me up and ask if your pieces are itty bitty enough. Just tear 'em up tiny...it might help if you don't use that nasty old white bread that ain't nothing more than glue to begin with but if ya gotta ya gotta so go on.
-1/2 - 1 cup bread crumbs no I'm not crazy it adds better texture and they hold together better but if you don't want to use them just don't, like I said I ain't eatin your cookin!
-1/3 cup milk You can get it from the jug, the can, or mix up the powdered kind. You can dilute it if ya wanna or get it straight from the cow, sheep or goat. Though I don't recommend dog, cat or horse!!
-1 egg
-1 tsp salt .... about, I never measure this stuff. I just pour a pile of it in my hand about the size of the first one day old ant hill I see in the yard come spring and call it a teaspoon.
-1/4 tsp nutmeg .... anybody that thinks I ever measure that is just not thinkin straight. Just open up the jar and take a healthy sized pinch between two fingers, look at it for a minute and while you're lookin let that smell get good and settled on the front porch of your nose. Consider how much of that you want in your food and adjust accordingly....like I said, I ain't eatin' your cookin'.
-1/4 tsp garlic powder ..... just pour some in folks. garlic is good for ya!
scant sprinkle of pepper ...careful how much of that ya pour in!
scant sprinkle of red pepper/cayenne ground fine ....if yer a sissy don't put that in!...but I dare ya!!
even scanter sprinkle of sage ... just a teensy bit or else your meatballs will taste like sausage, but if you like sausage then do just dump in a blob. I've heard sage is good for clearin' yer mind.

Sgwoosh all of this together in a big bowl with your hands. Yes, it has to be with your hands or it won't taste right,don't ask me why.....i don't make the rules of what makes food good I just do what grandma whacked me with a spoon for skipping cuz I thought it was gross when I was a kid. Roll them into little or big or medium sized balls and then you can either brown them up in a skillet on the stove or in the oven. I have to say on the stove is my favorite method since the grease leaping from the pan and landing on my wrist making a really awesome sizzle sound while I scream and dance around in front of the stove is such great and free entertainment for my family.....or you can just toss them in the oven to brown up....either way it'll take ya about 20-30 minutes and no you can't turn off the heat and run for the burn cream either you have to wait until after supper. Besides, while the meatballs are cooking you have to make yourself boil egg noodles to serve them on no matter how many times you think you may die if you get within firing range of the skillet....come on lady, be brave you have a hungry family to feed sheesh ya crybaby.

Now to get ready to make the gravy:
1/2 cup of the fat from cooking the meatballs ... All you dieting folks don't run away now. Even someone who might be trying to lose a few pounds deserves a decent meal sometimes. Besides, think of all the calories you'll burn dodging the flying grease spatters while you fry those meatballs!! See there, you done earned a double helping! If you don't have any fat, or not enough because you were too "healthy minded" to use hamburger than you'll have to substitute butter or some other kind of grease and your food won't taste as good but then again if you're really "healthy minded" then you're probably used to nasty food anyways.
1/3 cup of flour ...If you wanna earn a third helping you might have to buy a hand cranked grain mill and grind your own.
3 cups of beef broth In the old days women usually had some good strong beef broth already made up and canned sitting on their pantry shelf but nowadays we gals have gotten real spoiled and don't bother ourselves with such hearty practices so buy a can or if you are cheap like me you can use boullion cubes, they work just fine.
1 1/2 cups of milk I done told ya about milk.
1/4 teaspoon pepper ... seriously are you gonna waste your time measuring this stuff? Ya realize that just dirties up a spoon yer gonna have to wash right?
1/4 teaspoon dillweed ... get a grip, yer fingers ain't that dirty and if they are then you got some bigger problems anyway, just get a good sized pinch and toss it in the pan.
1/8 teaspoon salt ...if you happen to be too "healthy minded" to eat that much salt then skip it but I like my food to taste good and I would rather be hungry than eat something that don't taste good so I use the salt.


Now after the meatballs are cooked.....no not the burn cream yet....drain them on some paper towels ....or if you are like me and you are allergic to spending money on paper that you throw away that never touches anything you can't speak of out loud then get some newspaper and throw a dishtowel over it and use that. While that is going on you have to get really brave and drain some of the hot fat from making the meatballs into a HEAT RESISTANT ...yes that means metal or glass measuring cup (now you can't call me up whining about ruining your fancy tupperware plastic measuring cups!). You will need 1/2 cup of fat, discard whatever is left unless you have some special thing to do with leftover hamburger fat (I really don't want to know). If you used all turkey or something and don't have enough fat you can make up the difference with bacon fat or plain old butter or shortening (see note above if you are "healthy minded).

Heat up your fat in a semi large pan.....don't ask me what semi large pan is!! At my house semi large means not the big one but the next size down from the big one. Anyways.... When it is good and hot stir in the flour making sure to get out the lumps, unless you are one of those weirdos that likes lumpy gravy.I beat the tar out of my gravy cuz the last thing on earth I want to experience is a big old goooshy bite of plain old snotty feeling flour that just didn't get mixed in right....but you do what ya want but remember I ain't eating your cookin'. When it is smooth and hot then stir in the beef broth ....or boullion. Then stir in the milk....you will have to add the liquid a little at a time and keep stirring to not get lumps, no I don't want to know what kind of milk you use and keep the lumps if you want them but my gravy is not allowed to look like cottage cheese. Add your spices as it cooks Bring it to a boil and then turn it down just enough to keep it from scorching and keep stirring until it is gravy thick....I say it that way cuz not everyone likes gravy that stays on the spoon upside down, just like some people don't like lumpy gravy. Toss your meatballs back into the gravy and scoop a big mess of it out onto your noodles and it's supper. It smells so yummy that by now your stomach is growling and you forgot all about the burn cream.

disclaimer: the above recipes are written poorly and their performance in your kitchen is 100% your own fault, doing and liability. The author of the above post claims absolutely no responsibility for anything ever....especially not as related to writing down recipes or other such cooking advice. Entertainment factor is based on my own personal household experiences and the fact that my family is very easy to entertain and should not be attempted without proper thought, education, protection and above all else PRAYER.
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There ya go, now you've read it again (you poor things!). Can you believe my hubby wants me to write an entire book like that?? He has been after me for over a year to do it and no matter how much I try to humor him he always go back to it. So I guess in order to be a good wife I need to write a recipe book. The question turned into what do I call a recipe book when I so rarely have an actual recipe?? Most of my recipes look just like the swedish meatball one. I can't tell y'all how many times somebody has asked me for a recipe only to be told "I don't have a recipe for that..but..." So I guess that will be the name of our recipe book. Pray for me PLEASE!! I guess now I need to stop sitting here procrastinating and do what I'm supposed to be doing.
See ya!